Pages
by DictionGoddess
Summary: Don't judge a book by its cover.


Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be.

Pages

She hates when people act like they know who she is. She has gained quite a reputation over the years—the bitch cop, the cop who will nail you to the wall even if you're not guilty, and a dirty cop. She's heard it all, and she doesn't care. She knows what's right and what's wrong. Her cover doesn't convey what lies within, and she tells herself that's all that matters.

Her mother was not a kind person. The woman was never quite able to get over the day her husband left, and the bitterness made Martiza's childhood less than exemplary.

"You're strong. You'll be fine," was the only thing her mother said to her without a swear word attached. Maritza wanted to believe it so badly she prayed every night for the strength to make it through her life without having to depend on anyone else. She left the apartment on a cold autumn night with the help of her friend Denise. As the door swung shut, her mother yelled, "You're strong. You'll be fine." She believed it for the first time.

When she met Tommy Guskey she was instantly smitten, but pushed him away out of habit. Her mother killed most of her self-esteem at a young age, so it was easy to scoff when he called her beautiful. He gave her a crystal heart and told her he was willing to wait for her to love him. She took the heart, and felt connected to him in a strange and wonderful way. After dating a year she hinted at something more, and her took her to a hotel room for the evening. It was filled with roses and sparkling cider, and he told her he loved her as he came. She thinks she might have loved him, but she woke up early in the morning and left without saying goodbye. It is her one and only regret.

After Tommy, she kept to a semi-steady stream of occasional suitors. She either went on three dates, or slept with them after one before calling it quits. She never looked anyone in the eye because she was afraid they would see through her. She studied hard, and made sure all her goals were met. She was too jaded to believe her dreams would come true.

She loved Lettie more than anything else in the world, and promised that no matter what her mother did she would always look after her. She stood by her side, fighting her as she progressed from marijuana to ecstasy to crystal meth. She held her hand and wondered if she'd wake up from her overdoses, and took her to every NA meeting. She kept the coins in a bag in the bottom of her nightstand, because she didn't have the heart to throw them away. She shakes her head when she thinks about how Lettie ran so far away that she couldn't get her back. She misses her all the time.

She'd known a thousand guys like Maurice Boscorelli before. He was all talk, with a tough attitude to mask his intellectual shortcomings. She wanted to hate him, but the way he shrugged off her criticism and dedication to his work made her give him a second chance. When the problems with Lettie arose, he didn't ask questions and helped in every way he could. She heard about Mikey's similar problems, and felt connected to a person for the first time since Tommy. She focused all her energy on Lettie instead, and her sister's death threatened to crack her in two. Bosco came over that night, and let her take control, and she felt solid and alive again. She felt real. After he fell asleep she looked at him and felt her heart swell. In the morning he apologized for taking advantage and she tried to brush it off. She inadvertently looked into his eyes and stopped. He was a beautiful boy, and her cared for her. She kissed him again despite herself. It was only perfect for that day.

They tried to cling to what they had, but her undercover work coupled with his undying loyalty to his partner crippled their budding relationship. They barely spoke during the day, and whenever they were in the presence of Yokas his eyes hardened and she questioned his feelings. She ignored it, longing for the times when they were between the sheets, where he could whisper "Ritza" in her ear and make her shiver in all the right places. It didn't make anything better, as the lies got harder to cover and her resentment for Yokas grew. When the end came she welcomed the opportunity to let the hate boil over any emotions she had toward Bosco, and made her forget about the lies she told. She wished she had someone to talk to.

After the hotel room, she wanted to hurt someone. She hated Bosco for going behind her back, Yokas for getting in the middle of a place she didn't belong. She hated the way he cared so much about Yokas, but Yokas didn't seem to give a rat's ass about him, more than willing to end their partnership when he sought companionship with someone Yokas disdained. She hated the scar on her head and the lingering feelings of happiness in her heart. Her head wanted revenge, but her heart was still forgiving. When Bosco came to her with a story about his wonderful partner and paperwork, her heart gave in and she went along with it. Her head made her act indignant, and told her that it was because she didn't rat on cops.

She threw herself into work at a terrible cost, but she doesn't like to think about it now. She spent what felt like two weeks in the shower before she felt properly clean. She cried herself to sleep thinking about Tommy and Bosco and anything but the way the man's fingers clamped down on her wrists. She wanted to fade away.

She couldn't look at him once she knew he found out. His kind of sympathy was not what she needed—she was a strong person, and could handle things on her own. When he stuck the knife in the tire with a careless shrug, her heart swelled again. He walked away, and she grew cold at the sight of the man. She felt anything but love.

Dade was the closest thing she'd had to a friend since the hotel room, the only person who would talk to her without a glimmer of fear or pity behind his eyes. She'd almost invited him back to her place once before remembering Bosco and the problems that ensued. While she held him in her arms as he bled to death, she wished that she had anyways. When she heard he was dead, she wanted Mikey to pay, no matter what it would do to the flimsy connection she'd gained with his brother. She put everything she had into finding him—she didn't have anything or anyone else.

At first she wanted nothing but to see Mikey rot behind cold metal bars. She didn't care whom he was related to or what kind of trouble he was in. The relief she expected when she discovered Mikey was innocent never came. He was going to be her opportunity to write the wrongs of her past. When Bosco accosted her and promised death if anything happened to her brother, her insides churned—not from the lost love, but from the fact that she didn't care what he thought. She ignored him as best she could. When she heard the news of Mikey's death, she relived the pain of Lettie's death and told herself she had nothing to do with it. She cried that night anyway.

She was certain that her day could not get any worse as she sat in the waiting room. Not only was half her squad gone, but also she had to sit in a room with an irate Bosco and a condescending Yokas. She thought of her men and tried to ignore everything else, but then Davis came in with the news about Wynn. Bosco called it a war, and wondered if his brother had been a casualty in a madman's game instead of her problem. She jumped at the vindication, and vowed to hunt down the man who'd made her last few weeks like hell. When Yokas spoke she rolled her eyes, then realized the gravity of the situation. The war continued.

The next time she heard Yokas's voice her blood froze. She ran over to help, all of the hate between them forgotten. She realized all at once why Bosco was so devastated the year before and felt compelled to help the broken woman sobbing at her feet. She pulled on his jacket, staring at the wall so she couldn't see the long, thick trail of his blood, and stammered out something about a gun before heading after the gunmen. She told herself he was strong. He would be back. She was able to get some real revenge for things that were done to the people she loved and worked with. It didn't taste as sweet as she thought.

She blocked out everything that happened and focused on the tasks at hand: get evidence, find Yoshi, and get Mann. It was all falling into place wonderfully, and she wondered if she and God were finally on the same peg. She was on the roof and had him in custody when her wake-up call arrived in the form of an emotionally drained Yokas and Bosco's off-duty gun. Yokas didn't seem to respond to anything she said, but she had to do something. Her heart knew Bosco needed Yokas. Her head said she didn't care what happened to a man that was trying to kill her. The lie rolled off her tongue, but she had problems sleeping that night.

Work became difficult for the first time since she started. She had to watch Yokas get promoted while the bosses sent someone to keep her in line. Bosco wasn't expected to wake up, and if he did he wasn't expected to come back. She hated to think that the last time she'd ever see him was when half his face was gone from a gunshot wound. She worked as hard as she could, trying to forget about the past year. When the handcuffs wrapped around her wrists she tried to push away the memory of the man's hands and her lack of control, and her mind wound up on Bosco. She told herself she was strong. She would be back.

The water was cold, but not as icy as the people that surrounded her. She made sure she got stuck in solitary before anything could happen. She sat there staring at stonewalls, pulling dirt from underneath her fingernails while trying to focus. She wondered if Yokas was telling them the truth or making up lies. She wondered why she cared. She had fallen into a restless sleep when the guard came to get her out of the cell. She breathed in the air and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was no different. She had come to far to let something like this change her.

She stepped off the bus and heard Yokas's voice. She turned around, not wanting to face the woman she'd despised for so long. "Why did you do that?" Yokas asked. Her head made her sound nonchalant and claimed that she never ratted on cops, no matter what. Her heart thought of Bosco, and she knew that she did it for him. She got home and called the hospital without realizing what she was doing. She wasn't shocked when the nurse gleefully informed her that the patient just awoke from his coma, and thanked the woman before hanging up the phone. She thought maybe everything was worth it after all.

Her cover is hard, like plastic, because it can fall and dent but does not break. The pages within are locked up tight, and many have yet to be written. No one has found the key. She doesn't care if anyone does, because she knows what the pages say. At the end of the day, she finds it is enough.


End file.
